Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Because I don't know where else to organize these thoughts.

Thanks to pinterest and my interest in stapling chicken wire to my wall, I followed a link to a blog where I found some posts that make me think/cry/wonder. Feel free to skip over this if you're so inclined. It's just that my real life friends have little to no experience in this area (they're not even married for the most part). So my other blog/thing doesn't give me any real feedback other than hugs.

Here's the deal. Starting in early summer of 2009 we've been trying to conceive (TTC). At first it was not too much... no stress and no real worry. Just excitement as each cycle wound down - then disapointment. I was still breastfeeding Allie (she was just under a year when we started trying), and I continued to do so until she was 18 mos. As you all know my husband was cast for a weight loss tv show about that time... that turned our worlds upside-down for a year. Several months went by with him not here or otherwise just bad timing (company visiting etc).

Midway through 2010 I started to get serious sinus infections nearly constantly. I knew this meant sinus surgury as I've had a polypectomy once before and it's a chronic condition. Many cycles were shot because of major doses of steroids and antibiotics trying to battle the sinus infections - finally in the fall I had the surgery (ouch) and was placed on a low dose (10mg every other day) of an oral steroid to battle the constant attempts of the return of the sinus polyps. My doc claims this won't effect fertility. Who knows. Several sinus infections throughout requiring larger doses of the same steroid followed.

After a particularly stubborn sinus infection this spring (April?) it became apparent that I wasn't pregnant but my period wasn't going to start on it's own I had to take provera to start a new cycle. With my doctor's ok I stopped the steroids (some studies are showing that they can mess with your cycle? Nothing solidly proven but...) Same deal the last cycle too, long cycle no positive, then provera.. Had an Histerosalpingram this month, normal results. Clomid this cycle. Started using OPK's - got a positive. Temps seem like ovulation occurred... but no positive, and no period. I guess tomorrow I make the call to the OBGYN for another prescription of provera and clomid for next month.

Anyone still with me?

This sucks. We had no problem conceiving Allie. None.

Ever since I could remember I have wanted a lot of kids. I'd love to have like eight of them... but more realistically 4+ I know I'm pretty young. There's still time. But I have this sad thing in the back of my mind that lurks. What if Allie is our only child. What if I never get to be pregnant again. What if I never breastfeed again. I was really moved by this post in the above mentioned blog. She writes about how it hurts to think of the memories of pregnancy and having an infant, "I know what I'll be missing if we don't have another baby." To come full circle and bring it all back to pinterest... a thought inducing quote that I found there, "It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."

So where to go from here? I'm inclined to mention that I'm Catholic; maybe that doesn't help explain very much for some people... but as one who has loved and studied Catholic theology (especially moral theology) there's a focus on the unitive and procreative aspects of sex. Without getting all theology nerd on everyone, that basically means there's a husband and a wife and physically neither shall be removed from the act of conceiving.... No doctors and lab coats for us. Clomid and hormonal drugs are about all we have. I'm fairly frustrated at the recent lack of my cycles ending on their own... and I don't know what to think of that.

Body image. I've never had any sort of body image issues. Ever. I'm pretty blessed by that, but now? I see the image of my body as what it's capable yet that isn't being realized. It's capable of conceiving a child, of carrying a baby to term, of giving birth, of nourishing an infant... but it's empty. ((wow that's hard to type)).

There's no end to this post... it keeps going and is circular. So here's a song that I listen to sometimes.


  1. Tough battle!
    I know from experience that the waiting game of falling pregnant is a rocky emotional road!!
    All I can encourage you to do is keep the faith... God works miracles!
    I don't know if you have taken a look at the "my faith" page on my blog which I made this week, but on there I briefly tell of the miracle that God worked with my fertility...
    So I feel your pain.
    Sending up some prayers for ya.

  2. have you ever considered adoption? not sure how that would go along with your faith, but so many babies need love out there, too... thinkin' of you and your journey.. good luck!! xoxox

  3. Emily,

    I've got some personal experience with fertility/theology/cancer/adoption. I stopped blogging when baby issues began in earnest for us b/c even people with good intentions can say some really off the mark (=hurtful) things. The trolls were also particularly snarky around adoption issues.

    After my partner's cancer, adoption turned out great for us, but it is not an easy process. Nor was it an easy decision. I can tell you the date and location where I realized/made the decision that I wasn't going to birth my own babies. A failed adoption (5 years ago this week) was devastating. I can also tell you the date and location where we saw my son's heart beat for the 1st time and how amazing it felt to hold him moments after he was born. The lows and highs of life.

    Thank you for sharing such a personal journey. Keep searching for answers to your emptiness. Know that medical issues with both partners can play a role, so don't take it all on yourself. . .it's not just your body that is part of the process. Likewise, you are not alone spiritually.

    May you find a wholeness that both fills and sustains you.

  4. Emily, I wish there were some words of encouragement to say to'll be in my prayers.

  5. Emily, I have a friend who needed to use Clomid for her first and swore she'd never do it again.......and she didn't need to. After 7 years of trying naturally and at the age of 40 (after she figured she was all done with only one child and had basically given up trying for more) she gave birth to her 2nd beautiful daughter this past February. God works in strange ways....keep the faith and relax. Like you said, you're still young! What will be, will be! I was 5 when my sister was born and we couldn't be closer. God will bless you patient!

  6. I've been thinking about you all day and I have some thoughts and such, but being I am exhausted from the first week and a half of school, I am going to wait until I'm a bit more coherent and then I will e-mail you :-) Please know that I am sending prayers for you in the interim.

  7. Those little guys and gals must not have watched Look Who's Talking. Hopefully they can meet up and get down to business!

    I know the whole process is so hard. I hope your prayers will be answered soon.