Because I don't know where else to organize these thoughts.

Thanks to pinterest and my interest in stapling chicken wire to my wall, I followed a link to a blog where I found some posts that make me think/cry/wonder. Feel free to skip over this if you're so inclined. It's just that my real life friends have little to no experience in this area (they're not even married for the most part). So my other blog/thing doesn't give me any real feedback other than hugs.

Here's the deal. Starting in early summer of 2009 we've been trying to conceive (TTC). At first it was not too much... no stress and no real worry. Just excitement as each cycle wound down - then disapointment. I was still breastfeeding Allie (she was just under a year when we started trying), and I continued to do so until she was 18 mos. As you all know my husband was cast for a weight loss tv show about that time... that turned our worlds upside-down for a year. Several months went by with him not here or otherwise just bad timing (company visiting etc).

Midway through 2010 I started to get serious sinus infections nearly constantly. I knew this meant sinus surgury as I've had a polypectomy once before and it's a chronic condition. Many cycles were shot because of major doses of steroids and antibiotics trying to battle the sinus infections - finally in the fall I had the surgery (ouch) and was placed on a low dose (10mg every other day) of an oral steroid to battle the constant attempts of the return of the sinus polyps. My doc claims this won't effect fertility. Who knows. Several sinus infections throughout requiring larger doses of the same steroid followed.

After a particularly stubborn sinus infection this spring (April?) it became apparent that I wasn't pregnant but my period wasn't going to start on it's own I had to take provera to start a new cycle. With my doctor's ok I stopped the steroids (some studies are showing that they can mess with your cycle? Nothing solidly proven but...) Same deal the last cycle too, long cycle no positive, then provera.. Had an Histerosalpingram this month, normal results. Clomid this cycle. Started using OPK's - got a positive. Temps seem like ovulation occurred... but no positive, and no period. I guess tomorrow I make the call to the OBGYN for another prescription of provera and clomid for next month.

Anyone still with me?

This sucks. We had no problem conceiving Allie. None.

Ever since I could remember I have wanted a lot of kids. I'd love to have like eight of them... but more realistically 4+ I know I'm pretty young. There's still time. But I have this sad thing in the back of my mind that lurks. What if Allie is our only child. What if I never get to be pregnant again. What if I never breastfeed again. I was really moved by this post in the above mentioned blog. She writes about how it hurts to think of the memories of pregnancy and having an infant, "I know what I'll be missing if we don't have another baby." To come full circle and bring it all back to pinterest... a thought inducing quote that I found there, "It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."

So where to go from here? I'm inclined to mention that I'm Catholic; maybe that doesn't help explain very much for some people... but as one who has loved and studied Catholic theology (especially moral theology) there's a focus on the unitive and procreative aspects of sex. Without getting all theology nerd on everyone, that basically means there's a husband and a wife and physically neither shall be removed from the act of conceiving.... No doctors and lab coats for us. Clomid and hormonal drugs are about all we have. I'm fairly frustrated at the recent lack of my cycles ending on their own... and I don't know what to think of that.

Body image. I've never had any sort of body image issues. Ever. I'm pretty blessed by that, but now? I see the image of my body as what it's capable yet that isn't being realized. It's capable of conceiving a child, of carrying a baby to term, of giving birth, of nourishing an infant... but it's empty. ((wow that's hard to type)).

There's no end to this post... it keeps going and is circular. So here's a song that I listen to sometimes.