...

(one year ago)

 This is really  hard to say, and I'm quite nauseous even typing this. This is a big deal.

After a year of being silent and not posting any pictures of my husband (no matter how cute he is). I think I'm going to be ok once this whole thing is over (although the real journey will never be over). I've been keeping a secret. For a whole year. You'll possibly start to see my husband on commercials soon. See, last year he was cast for a new weight loss tv show. It's been a really crazy year. We're not certain which slot he'll be in the line-up, but it will start airing on May 30th on ABC. Say a prayer for him, as we're still fighting every day.

PS, his name is Wally

Words of Danielle Rose:

"I am the beginning in the end. I am the faith in your believing. I am the color of truth. I am the dreamer of your dreams. I am falling in your love. I am the words of a prayer. I am the silence in the music. I am the music in the silence. ...I am the cross you carry again."

A sweet inspiring song for you as we begin lent. The traditional question on Ash Wednesday is "What are you giving up?" And I don't have an answer for that. I'm stuck. But I'm going to try to let the words of Danielle Rose speak to me. I wish I were bold enough to declare I was going to do things like I did in college. Saying the Rosary daily, or going to daily mass. But that's not where I'm at right now. For now, I'm going to contemplate the prayers of Danielle's cd (Defining Beauty - which I actually randomly found at the gift shop at the retreat this weekend). For now that will have to be enough.

If you're interrested here is a playlist with more Danielle Rose music. She's quite sweet (in real life too) and poetic.

I did it!

Yep. I registered for the Sewing Summit!! I guess that etsy store of mine will be opening up soon! :) I hope to see you all there!

I'm nearly packed...

For the sewing retreat this weekend. It's inspiring how much you can pack into a moderately sized carry-on. I figured I should pack in the suitcase since it has rollers. After a stop at Joann's earlier this week --- where I spent lots of money on boring sewing supplies (rotary cutter blades, batting, thread, needles) --- I'm just about ready. I've got one quilt that needs to be basted and quilted. Two that I need to make another handful of blocks, a bee block, and two doll quilts to be finished. Think I packed enough projects? I'm just not sure what I'll want to sew! lol. I also can't imagine how much I'll be able to get done without the limitations of the two year old's nap time. :) Hopefully enough but I'm sure even if I don't get a ton done that it'll be a good time. I'm new to the group though and I really don't have much of an idea of what to expect.

Once this weekend is over I think (hope) I'll have a better idea of whether or not I think it's worth it to spend lots of money to go to the Sewing Summit next fall. Receiving a bonus check from work right when we got our tax return is making me want to do it more... but what if we're really broke come October? Ack. I hate spending money! I always feel so guilty!

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

the best way to get this out is to just start writing.

As many of you know my husband and I have been trying for more than a year and a half to conceive our second child. This has been a really hard and trying time for us for a lot of reasons. I've gone through a lot of cycles of feeling so frustrated and upset that I'm not yet pregnant, and it's not an easy thing to share. Much more, most of my friends are not even married, or don't want kids, they try to understand but they don't. My co-workers are even more clueless since most of them don't even understand wanting one kid let alone a dozen. I get it, not everyone feels the want for a family let alone a large family. Others around are pregnant, or accidentally pregnant, or accidentally getting some girl they hardly knew pregnant. I work in the parenting section of a bookstore... some days I just want to knock down those stupid pregnant people. And don't get me started about crafty bloggers (I'm pretty sure every one of you has a house full of beautiful kids and twins on the way) -- Ok so maybe not but it sure seems like the sub-culture of crafty bloggers do have more children than the average american family. Ramble ramble ramble.

You get my point right? It sucks. And for whatever reason we're still here month after month, not really being able to express this sadness. I'm working on that, letting myself be sad about it, and really addressing that saddness. It's hard to not feel able to express it (like I said people just don't get it). I had the best advice ever last month, coming from my friend Amy who is the most mormon person I know, who also is very very well versed in Catholicism - I'm going to share with you the little note she wrote to me last month (she's talking about a homily from a Catholic funeral she had recently attended - the funeral was for a grandmother and her 5 yr old grandson who died in a car accident).

Here's Amy:

"During the homily, Father related the story of Lazarus, focusing mostly on his sister. When Jesus came, Lazarus's sister was not very pleasant, saying that if He (Jesus) had come sooner, Lazarus wouldn't be dead and she wouldn't be hurting so much. Many people (both contemporaries and scripture scholars) have criticized her response, but Father's point was that she was okay. Paul wrote in his epistle to the Thessalonians that it is OK to mourn for who/what we have lost. Mourning in itself is not bad. We are entitled to our feelings. Paul does clarify, though, that we should not mourn as those who have no hope, because thanks to Christ we have hope. Now, in this particular case, Father was speaking about death and the hope for resurrection, but I think Father's point/Paul's point applies to your situation too. It is not wrong for you to be sad or frustrated. So people who tell you otherwise just need to shush! It is important to have hope in God's justice, which I know you do. But remember that it's okay to mourn."

Amy said it so well there. I so sincerely appreciate her understanding of things. But I'm still getting all blocked about this sadness. I'm trying to keep myself grounded. I'm trying not to let this frame my every minute. I do feel blessed though, so many people have suffered miscarrages and stillbirth, and loss of a child. So many even within the people I know. My own neice (4yrs old) has cancer, a cancer that has no cure and the side effects of the treatments are a high probability of cancer in the future. In the last year my sister has seen several families they know lose children to cancer. One in particular, Matthew Barr, passed away just weeks ago - he was Rosemarie's age, he'd been fighting so long. I can't imagine, I just can't. But I kinda can.

 Miscarriages. Is there anything worse? Stillbirth? My best friend's other best friend delivered a perfect precious stillborn baby last summer. My heart still aches for her. The baby was named for my friend - Anne Michelle, now up in heaven being held by Jesus. How can we wrap our minds around this?

I'm rambling

That's where this post is going. I've just read a wonderfully written post over at Life Rearranged.com. So much for not crying; I totally bawled right through the post. The author Jeanette has recently had a miscarriage. Her telling of it is so well written. It's really touching. I know I haven't been through nearly what she has, but I still feel some solace; I feel like someone saying, "it's ok, be sad." We'll make it through somehow. But there's no reason for us to do it alone. She's encouraging her readers to donate to an organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep which hires and trains photographers to provide professional photo remembrances of stillborn babies to their parents, free of charge. I'm fairly certain that this organization is the one which took the beautiful pictures of Anne Michelle. Please feel free to check them out, and donate there if you feel inclined.

I'm working on remembering that while our life isn't always what we expect it to be, it's certainly still pretty darn great. My heart hurts for those in much worse situations than I, but it still hurts for me too. We're making it through and someday in heaven it will all make sense. For now I've got to take joy in the fact that these littlest ones who have gone are so purely happy up in heaven waiting for us. I hope one day to meet Anne Michelle, and Matthew Barr... and you know what, I'll bet as much as we pray for them, I'm pretty sure they're probably returning the favor.

Fear

Why is it that this gorgeous fat quarter stack of Nicey Jane (one of my favorites) has been sitting in my stash for more than a year? Why? It was a gift, and one of the best gifts, unexpected and beautiful. But I feel like it deserves to be in a quilt. It deserves to be one big project; as a result I haven't cut a single little piece from it. It occurred to me to make some nice fabric buckets for my sewing room out of them... but to imagine using so much of it at once? And then what if I found the perfect quilt to make with them and didn't have enough left? Sigh. Why am I so affraid to use this fabric?

A little personal and a little planning.

The butterfly fabric will be the centers of the stars, and the two grey/blue/green fabrics will be the points. The background will be light pink, white, or grey.

The personal: I love Danielle Rose. Yes. She's a catholic musician who spent a while in discernment at a convent. She's super sweet (I met  her in person in college), she gives great hugs, and loves the Rosary. I found myself listening to her music on youtube tonight while finally planning out the details of a wonky star baby quilt. I'm so happy when I listen to her poetic lyrics. They get stuck in my head and become a prayerful reminding of so many wonderful things. So as a way to share my quilt planning experience, I'll give you links to the songs and pics of my sketches/notes.

I started this time with Pinterest. I talked about it already here. I really like this. I can use google image searches, my own faves from my blog, flickr searches etc, and put them visually all in the same place. here's the pintrest board. Enter Danielle Rose songs... first "See You In the Eucharist" (if you're new to Danielle, or new to Catholicism feel free to pause to check out her explanation of this song here. She wrote it just before she entered the convent - where she discerned for some time before feeling lead to continue her music ministry outside of the convent.). I did lots of math deciding that I can indeed use this set of three FQ's to make up to 16 blocks that are 12" finished.

Next song, more math. "Shelter Your Name" my favorite line is "...Break down these walls, take all my brokenness, rebuild me to shelter your name..." It's a very soothing song, one that is nice to have stuck in your head. Figure out that to make 16 blocks I'll need 128 squares of background fabric that measures 4.5" square... (2 yds will be needed in total). The total quilt will measure 36" x 48" - crib size. I'll need to buy a yard and a quarter of backing fabric.

Next song... now I'm just listening to Danielle Rose... ok and sketching out my pictures of the front and back of the quilts. "Give and Take" (a new favorite), and "Litany of Humility" (I'm always a sucker for a litany) both great for trying to stay humble when it comes to my own wishes, which is becoming increasingly hard to do.

Have I ever mentioned...

That I love Dominicans? 

Ok, Sr. Maria Gemma is not a Dominican, she's Franciscan, but I didn't want to use someone else's picture here.
Also note, that's me and my daughter, and two of my bestest friends from college. We're sisters I swear.

In a couple weeks I'm going to be going on my first ever quilting retreat!! I've been really thinking/wanting to plan on going to the Sewing Summit next fall. But I just don't know if I can spend that kind of money on myself. We'll see. In the meantime I got a notice from the president of our local Chicago Modern Quilt Guild - about an upcoming retreat. I hadn't heard about it because, silly me, I haven't made it to a meeting yet! I thought about it for a few minutes/hours... then the deciding factor for me - it happens that the retreat is being held in Wisconsin at a retreat center on the grounds of a Dominican convent!! Oh I love nuns (one of my best friends is a Franciscan). And I studied at a dominican college. And St Catherine is my favorite - she's dominican. 

lol. Sorry. I'm sure you guys don't want me getting all nerdy about saints. But here's the thing. I don't actually know anyone who quilts. I mean my friend Mary - but she's just learning and not really crazy about it. I'm excited to get to know some people in my general area, who also love to quilt!

But... what do I bring? What should I work on? lol. It's barely three weeks away. It's so exciting! I am thinking of bringing all my bee blocks (if they're all in by then) and sashing them up - wouldn't it be great to have a finished bee quilt a week after your month is over? Or do I work on something smaller and more free? I've never sewn anywhere but in my house...lol. 

I hope you're all enjoying my rambling. I hope the provided meals are made by nuns... oh convent food is yummy and made with prayer! I hope I get along with everyone and make some sewing friends. 

Edit: I just got a little gushy looking through my pics of Sr Gemma's entrance to the convent. It happened to be my baby's first birthday. They shared their special day together! I can't begin to tell you how happy my heart is knowing that Sr. is so happy! 

Just a little update...

My endeavours of raising money for the Sewing Summit is on hold for another week or two... I just realised that the Summit is about 9 months away... so I probably can't make a clear decision about it for another two months, otherwise I could (hopefully), potentially be either seriously pregnant or having a baby at that time. As life is though, we've been trying for too long without success for me to hold my breath about being pregnant instead of being at the Summit. We'll see. Have I ever mentioned that TTC is just no fun anymore. I should have about 3 sets of twins by now for all that we've tried!

Enough of that sob story.

I actually did some sewing today. A very little bit. My mom is in town and she sleeps in my sewing room (on an air mattress poor thing). Since I sew mostly at night, it just doesn't happen with guests. Just now (during nap time) I managed to finish cutting fabric for my bee month (thanks Katy for sending me some much needed Kona grey!!). It's official I'm sending too much fabric. I didn't know how else to allow enough for my bee members to pick their own colors/order. So whatever, I'll use up those scraps forever and love it! I also finally sewed my practice Dresden to some white fabric so I can start embroidering on it. :) That was my little bit of sewing!

On a great note, I have all my bee fabric ready to send (need to type out instructions), All my envelopes are addressed. My mug rug (s) for Mug Rug Swap III are finished. My birthday gift for my friend Michelle is finished. I feel accomplished even though I didn't do much!

Hopefully I'll have some sweet stitchy embroidery to show tomorrow! Have a good Sunday!

Big thoughts.... need opinions!

A post is boring without a picture...)

So here's the thing. I really would love to attend a new blogging/sewing conference/retreat called the Sewing Summit, which will be held for the first time this October. The Summit will be taking place in Salt Lake City and well, for me it's out of my budget. Completely. I'm not one of those people who needs to be on a fabric diet, and I'm not one who can churn out 15 quilts a year, simply because I don't make enough money to put into this hobby. We're broke. There it is.

So thinking about this, and knowing that I'd love to go to the Sewing Summit, I've been brainstorming. I have never sold a quilt. I've never sold anything on Etsy. I'm not sure that that's the best way to go for this. But I'd like to raise some money (I'm thinking between room and board, supplies, general expenses, and admission, --hopefully Wally's pilot friend will be able to get me tickets?-- I need to budget about $500 for this - ouch!). I was thinking of making a quilt and raffling it off on my blog. But now I see that it's almost definitely illegal to do that (it goes by state and I can't seem to find anything online for Illinois). So I could auction it off... like ebay? That is legal (correct me if I'm wrong).

So now I'm back to thinking Etsy again... but one quilt won't bring that much money, and there are tons and tons of quilt listings there; it would likely take months if not longer to sell one there, being that I'm an unknown seller with no feedback rates.

I do have one option, which I've never thought that I'd want to do... but if anyone knew someone wanting to have a quilt made for them. I could do a custom order sort of thing, but I'd prefer if the purchaser liked modern fabrics that I won't hate to work with. Once again, I've never done this before.... I have no clue where to start for pricing on these types of things. I'm thinking for a crib or lap quilt (according to the sale prices on etsy?) about in the $130-$150+ range. Does that sound reasonable? A quilt like this would take me at least two weeks of solid work to make/quilt/bind etc. Someone tell me if I'm way off here.

For my facebook friends who are wondering what my style is, please check out my blog (http://mommysnaptime.blogspot.com) and/or my flickr account (http://www.flickr.com/photos/emedoodle/)

Any advice, encouragement, suggestions etc would be great!!! :)

Thanks in advance!

What a day!!!

Today is once again Tuesday, which means watching my friend Courtney and her mom Marci kick ass on Biggest Loser (go team AQUA!!!). ...so I haven't watched them just yet, we recorded it while I was at work - off to watch it in just a moment! I hear it's supposed to be a great episode! Can't wait!
(Edited to add: Courtney totally said her trademark "Absolutely" on camera! Awesome!)

And... My very first guest post is now up. 

And... today I got info on my super secret swap partner for the Scrappy Mug Rug Swap #3. Wooo Hoo! I love the stalking and the sketching and planning. As you can see if you scroll down to my earlier posts, I've already started trying new things for this swap! I love it! And with mug rugs you just can't make enough... they're quick and a great way to test out an idea. 

And... although I wasn't expecting to hear anything until this weekend, I also got an email letting me know that I did indeed get into the Doll Quilt Swap 10!!! I'm so completely excited about this!!! The participants are picked via lottery so I didn't know if I'd get in again! Oh I'm excited! I guess I can now make a mosaic for that too! :)

And... today is my mom's birthday! Happy birthday Mom!!! (tomorrow is my dad's birthday!)

And... something else exciting is possibly happening too. But you guys surely don't want to know. More on that later (hopefully).

Is that exciting enough for you guys??

Completely unrelated photo of the kid.

Have I ever mentioned...

That one day my husband and I want to retire to Roma?

Piazza di Santa Maria in Trastevere

Just now I have a very strong desire to go back. Now.

Did I mention that we met here?

Campo di Fiori

It looked a lot like that that night. College orientation. Magical.

At a restaurant just down this road we had our first date.

Via Della La Scala

Can I even imagine that it's true? I did dream of this very bridge (which I'd never seen, but happens to be in Roma) for many years in my later childhood / adolescence. Who knew I would walk across it daily for four months?

Who knew my pics were still available on webshots.com six years later?! lol.

I want this.

I'd never spend $30 on a shirt like this... (or really any shirt). The seller has lots of cute stuff... but I really like the interesting/different style of this shirt. Not to mention the color of blue!

Out of order.

I worked for literally an hour last night putting together mosaics for a post about my projects from this year. After all that I'm going to write about goals for next year today instead!

Here they are:

1. {Sew} Beautiful Bee & Swaps. I'm making this just one on my list since this is the extra, the push my boundaries and try something without worry. Whether it's a project pushing my color comfort zones, or my style... or even something technically challenging. But I'm going to try this year to make doubles of what I make for swaps. I really miss my DQS9 quilt that I sent off this year... I wish I would have made even a tiny one for myself

2. I'd like to make a quilt for my mom or my MIL this year. Not to push too much, since I made two quilts for my nieces at the same time this year. That was really crazy. I'll see how it goes. I think maybe my mom first since I seem to make little things for my MIL more often since she's here locally.

3. I really would like to finish the String Quilt I started last january... lol. It's supposed to be for Allie's toddler bed.

4. I'd like to follow a pattern for a quilt this year. I (kinda) followed my first pattern with the color brick quilt, it was crazy how quickly that went together without a lot of time thinking about it/figuring out measurements.

5. I want to make a wonky star quilt with light/medium grey and a pop of color.

6. I want to keep working on taking better pictures of my work. I've come a LONG way this year... gotta keep learning!

7. I'd like to make a baby this year. (too much? sorry). Oh and maybe not flip out nearly as much each month when I'm not pregnant as I have been. Just saying, although throwing myself into sewing is a pretty helpful way of coping.

8. I want to make more ruffly dresses for my daughter.

9. I would love to make more personal connections in the sewing world. I feel like I'm just out here. I don't go to guild meetings since they're a bit far away, and I don't know anyone in real life who quilts (aside from wally's great aunt...). I'd possibly like to make these connections at the Sewing Summit. :) Lofty goal there... don't know if we'll have the money.

10. I'd like to keep teaching my niece to enjoy crafts and sewing.

Now link up your goals over at Don't Call Me Betsy

Dreaming...

of sewing with this sweet fabric.

Yep. I have that very fat quarter stack I just can't decide what type of quilt I want to make with it. I'd really like to use lots of Kona Ash with it, and probably some Kona Coal. I've contemplated using a single irish chain like this one

 

Only in a larger size (as this was a large doll quilt). 

Here are some other options.

Right now I'm really leaning toward either # 5, 6, or 12. Why does having a great selection of coordinating fabrics that I love make me so petrified to cut them? I want to play with the fabric, but I really want to use it for a full sized quilt, not broken up into a million little projects. I'm afraid if I use it for any little projects I'll not have enough to make a quilt from it. I'm cheep - it was a big thing for me to buy myself this fabric in the first place! 

 Either way, I have to finish quilting Katee's quilt first... (which means I have to finish piecing the back!). And I need to get that done by thanksgiving. I also need (want) to finish assembling my pillow talk swap pillow(s). But I really can't keep this fabric out of my mind! :)

This week...

Half done sewing machine cover

Yuck.

So I had intentions of finishing the sewing machine cover this weekend, and attaching that binding to Rosemarie's quilt too. Well life gets in the way again. It was a stressful weekend due to a couple failed tests (not the school type), the "could be amazing news" (after all this time) type. Anyway, that's all behind us now, better luck next time I guess. It's really getting lame. On top of it at least half a dozen of my fav. bloggers on my blog reader are either pregnant or have newborns. I'm seriously so close to deleting them from the reader. It's just that depressing. So much for that.

On another note, my copy of "The Practical Guide to Patchwork..." by Elizabeth Hartman should be arriving here soon. And I have a garden gnome costume to figure out by Saturday. :) I'm thinking a simple brown skirt, maybe a couple fabric flowers attached, suspenders, and a pointy red felt hat. We'll see, I'm totally not inspired right now.

Local Quilt Shop

I finally made my way over to quiltology. It's pretty local considering. It's downtown and I hate parallel parking. Lucky for me it is only a couple blocks from where DD has speech therapy every Monday (meaning that DH drove, and parked). It was amazing - even my husband was quite impressed. He'd never seen a fabric shop with "my kind of fabric" as he says... (since of course I'm the only one who's interested in modern fabric that he knows). :) I found some great stuff... and while I was on a very limited budget (I had $20 and that had to cover the $5 parking for therapy too) I did find some steals. First off, I was so excited when I found AMH's Good Folks Cathedral in pink (instead of the burnt color which I accidentally bought online a couple weeks ago), picked up a half a yard of that. Also, got two amy butler grey fabric FQ's for $3 each... and two FQ's of Katie Jump Rope for just a dollar each! I came in at just under $15 dollars (dang cook county tax!).

Look at the loot:

Yum! :)

By the way, the ladies there at Quiltology were super nice too. Talkative and helpful. No AMH's Innocent Crush there yet... but they're going to the Houston Quilt Market so I'm sure they'll bring back lots of goodies!

Wednesday Inspiration

1. Pillow Talk Swap, 2. Pillow 001, 3. Ticker Tape Quilt Detail, 4. Joules in Lavender, 5. Table Runner, 6. Scrappy mug rug package, 7. Trillium, 8. Fresh Modern Bee August, 9. Potholder Pass 4, 10. What a Bunch of Squares, 11. city purple, 12. UHG Swap Item 1, 13. Colorful Crafting with Jen: Rickie's Sashiko Pillow, 14. {Urban} Home Goods Swap, 15. SOS Day 20, 16. IMG_0241, 17. [5:365] Twinkle, twinkle, little star..., 18. Patchwork Quilt, 19. J Rogers Quilt, 20. Wonky Baby Stars - the Grey & Yellow version, 21. Tuesday pillow redux, 22. 9 blocks finished!, 23. Full(ish) view -- quilt top for hubby, 24. sideways cider, 25. the Godzilla shoo-fly quilt

I can't get enough of these. All my inspiration for upcoming projects! According to USPS.com I should be receiving my fq bundle of AMH's Innocent Crush today! I've never bought a fq stack right after a fabric line has been put out on the market. I'm excited. I'm hopefully going to make a sewing machine cover with some of it, with some other AMH's fabrics tonight. I"m not sure what layout I'll use. I am itching to start, but want to wait for those fabrics! I need to invest in some lighter grey fabrics. I love the solid, opaqueness of the Kona Coal, but I know I'm limiting my creativity with it. Maybe soon, too bad Joann's doesn't carry Kona Ash, or any other lighter greys! Also, I think tonight is going to be the night that I dye my hair green (just the tips). I'm so ready for that!

Last night I had a dream about sewing...

In my dream I was at a blogging quilt/sewing retreat... at a fancy hotel type place. Strangely a lot of you bloggers were also Catholic (which it seems to me is not true, I think the Mormons have the corner on blogging and sewing) since we went to Mass together. It was amazing. In one part of the dream I realised I was talking to Rita, from Red Pepper Quilts (who actually as I read her bio right now is from Melbourne... not sure she'd travel so far for a quilt retreat?). LOL How crazy is that? It really makes me want to go on a quilt retreat, but it's just so expensive... there's one forming in Utah for next year... I'd love to go but I'm sure it's going to be much more pricey than I'd like!

wistfully...

I want to make beautiful things...

...and I want to make a baby.

***

It's my blog; I guess I can put it out there.